


Satori

by Dead_walking



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, But it's sweet, M/M, but ANGST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 08:02:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14564577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dead_walking/pseuds/Dead_walking
Summary: Coda to 3x07.Magnus suddenly knows what he has to do now. What price he's willing to pay.





	Satori

Taking advantage of his stolen moment of silence, Magnus leans against the kitchen counter and tries to blink the strain away from his eyes. His last attempt to rid Jace of Lilith’s influence did nothing but drain his power, and the frustration of getting nowhere only further fuels a headache that refuses to subside. No matter how many times he rubs gentle circles around his temples, fingertips warm with energy that should be focused on curing Jace instead of himself, the pain returns, insistent and sharp, leaving Magnus spent and burned out. 

But as much as Magnus is ready to drop himself into bed and not spare another thought to the heaviness that’s been creeping in around him, he refuses to rest until he figures out a way to help Jace. Another wave of guilt rolls through him, and as hard as he tries to brace himself for it, it leaves him wrecked, unable to regain his footing. Rolling his head back, Magnus takes deep and measured breathes before summoning the reminder of his strength and focusing it entirely on the weakening pulse of his energy. 

It’s how Alec finds him when he walks into the kitchen. Arms crossed against his chest, body practically sagging against wooden cabinets, unable to fully put himself back together. By the looks of Alec, he’s not fairing much better. Shadows claim the corner of his eyes, and it’s impossible not to see the pressure that’s been weighing down on all of them in the way Alec rubs his hand along his deflection rune, like he can push everything away with a quick swipe of a palm. 

Even with his own body on the brink of exhaustion, Magnus wants to reach for him. Place his hands on the center of Alec’s chest until Alec’s muscles loosen and he can breathe easy again. Instead, he watches as Alec falls against the counter next to him, shoulder pushing against Magnus as he does so. For such a simple gesture, it settles something inside Magnus. A churning in his stomach that has been bubbling since he first felt the power behind the ley line corruption. Because too many pieces have started coming together, and while there haven’t been enough to put the picture together entirely, Magnus suddenly knows where this is all heading. 

“Is this the part where I tell you to get some rest and you refuse to?” There’s a softness to the question that contrasts with the pull of Alec’s shoulders and the way his body seemingly deflates with fatigue. Magnus aches from his inability to protect Alec from what’s happened and what’s coming. And he had been the one to set everything into motion, giving Lilith exactly what she needed to dig her claws in and make her first real strike.

Despite himself, Magnus smiles. A soft and short-lived thing, but it helps push away the haze that’s been keeping him from seeing everything clearly. “Jace wouldn’t be in this position if it wasn’t for my oversight,” he says. “I owe it to you and Jace to keep trying.”

“Magnus.” Alec says his name as he moves, twisting on his feet until he’s standing in front of Magnus, a fraction of a breath between them. It’s not new, this determination to ensure that Alec remains standing, living and breathing, and if Magnus manages to do everything correctly, happy. But all the determination in the world didn’t prevent him from snapping at Alec over breakfast or stopping Jace from being possessed. 

Spells and incantations and potions won’t fix this. He knows that now. Because while Magnus may be strong, Lilith is stronger, and the longer it takes him to fix this, the longer he leaves everyone vulnerable. Jace was the first causality, and Alec is already suffering for it, he refuses to allow anyone else to get hurt because he failed to detect the darkness coming to claim them. 

It’s almost a shock then, when Alec reaches out, tracing a thumb against the curve of his cheek. He’s looking at Magnus like he so often does, like they’re caught in a vortex of nebulas forming and dying, but somehow, it’s Magnus that’s the center of the universe. It leaves him breathless, helpless caught in Alec’s orbit and he’s powerless to do anything but lose himself in it. 

“If it wasn’t for you containing him, Jace would probably be back with Lilith. At least we have him contained and by the looks of it, he’s not going anywhere. So long as the barrier holds, we should take the time to rest while we have it. This feels like something that’s going to get worse before it gets better.”

The barrier will hold, Magnus is sure of it. Just like he’s sure the Owl wasn’t lying when it said Lilith was coming for them. And when she finds them, Magnus won’t be able to stop her from harming anyone. From harming Alec, and in that second, reality sets in on him. 

Swallowing the spike of panic down, Magnus moves his hand until he can wrap his fingers around Alec’s wrist. Finding comfort in the pulse he feels there. “I’m sorry,” Magnus says. “Seeing Jace like this – I can’t even imagine what it must be like for you.”

Alec tenses, but only for a moment. “The things he’s – it’s - saying, that’s not Jace,” he looks down, like he’s taking a second to believe what he’s saying. “What matters is getting that thing out of my brother, but not at the expense of you. Never that.”

And it hurts. How much love Alec loves him. Magnus wants to cup it in the palm of his hands, protect it from the world they’ve found themselves in. 

“If I hadn’t-”

“It doesn’t matter,” Alec says, with an intensity that radiates off him. “There’s no way you could have known.” Alec pauses, lips open slightly, the way they do when he’s reeling in his thoughts, picking through words and sentences before talking. “I meant what I said when I told Clary I understood her decision.”

“Alexander-”

“Magnus, I love you.” Alec is so confident, like there’s nothing in the world he’s surer of than this. Than them. Regardless of the recent tension that’s been nipping at their heels and sharpening their words, Alec has no doubts about where they stand. “Before I met you, I didn’t understand how people could put people before duty, but I’d do anything if it meant keeping you safe.”

“I love you, too.” Magnus says, an oh, does he mean it. “And I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t do the same.” Catarina told him to think outside of the box, and now everything is so blinding clear. “Why don’t we take a breather?” Magnus asks, wanting nothing more than to pull Alec against his chest. To memorize every line and couture and sound. To press his hand over Alec’s chest and feel his heartbeat. Because he knows what he has to do now. What he’s willing to give of himself to ensure Alec’s safety. 

Magnus has to go to Edom. 

He needs to face his father. And he knows the cost. 

But as Alec pulls away, smiling at him and mentioning taking Magnus to bed, Magnus knows there isn’t a price he won’t pay to make sure Alec gets through all of this okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts, opinions, kudos, feed my writing soul.
> 
> Come say hi on tumblr [@the-roci](http://the-roci.tumblr.com)


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